Horse Humor
Texting for Horse
People:
OOH - out of hay
LAS - lost a shoe
BBM - bastard just bit me
FOMHL - Fell Off My Horse Laughing
FTC -- Forgot the carrots
MIHA -- Mare's in heat, again
MSMBO - mud sucked my boot off
HSIH - Horse Snot in Hair
HAO - Hay All Over
HIMB - Hay in My BRA
PIHH - POOP INDUCED HALF HALT
UD - Unplanned Dismount
MMM - Master Manure Mucker
OOM - Out of money
MHTS - More horses than sense
BAHHFDP - bought another horse husband filed divorce papers
GBBF - got board bill, fainted
GFBF - got farrier bill, fainted
HRHCF - husband realized horse costs, fainted
SLH - Smell like horse
DQFOY - Dressage Queen fell off - yippee
HTNHFH - Hiding the new horse from hubby
WWFNS - Will work for new saddle
SSB - saddle sore butt
ALIGAR - At least I got a ribbon
NLT - No lesson today
HGR - Have a great ride
R2R - Ready to Ride
Jan Nelsen
New Year's
Resolutions for
Horses
* I will NOT roll in
streams or try to
roll when my human
is on my back.
* I will NOT leap
over large
nonexistent
obstacles when the
whim strikes.
* I will NOT walk
faster on the way
home than I did on
the way out.
* I promise NOT to
swish my tail while
my human is cleaning
my back feet.
* I promise also NOT
to choose that
particular time to
answer nature's
call.
* I will NOT bite my
farrier's butt just
because it is there.
* I will NOT confuse
my human's blond
hair for really soft
hay.
* I will NOT wipe
green slime down the
back of my human's
white shirt.
* I will NOT blow my
nose on my human.
* I CAN walk and
potty at the same
time. I can, I can,
I can.
* I will NOT stop
and potty every time
I pass the same spot
in the arena.
* I will NOT leave
when my rider falls
off.
* My stall is NOT my
litter box. When I
have free access to
my paddock,
I will NOT go back
inside to potty.
* I will NOT try to
mooch goodies off
every human within a
1 mile radius.
* I will NOT lay
totally flat out in
my stall with my
eyes glazed over
and my legs straight
out and pretend I
can't hear my human
frantically
screaming "Are you
asleep?"
* I will NOT chase
the ponies into the
electric fence to
see if it is on.
* I will promise
NEVER to dump the
wheelbarrow of
manure over while a
human is mucking my
stall.
* I will NOT grab my
lead rope in my
mouth and attempt to
lead myself.
* I will NOT have an
attitude problem. I
won't, I won't, I
won't!
* I will NOT pull my
new shoes off the
very next day just
to prove that I
can.
* I am neither a
beaver nor a
carpenter. I promise
I won't eat or
remodel
the barn or the new
fences.
* I WILL forgive my
human for the very
bad haircut, even
though I look
like a freak.
* I accept that not
every carrot is for
me.
* I will NOT do the
Arab Teleport Trick
when a
bad/naughty/awful
Horsasaurus Monster
breathes at me.
* I will NOT jump in
the air and turn 180
degrees every time I
see a
bicycle.
* I will understand
that bicycles are
NOT carnivorous.
* I will NOT shy at
familiar objects
just for fun.
* I will NOT bite
the butt of the
horse in front of me
during the trail
ride just to say
"Hi".
* I WILL put my ears
forward and
cooperate when it
comes to photos.
Fifteen things horse
people never want to
say in public.
(from a horse blog)
1.
Do you like my breast
collar?
2. She's got a really
nice, big, square butt.
3. One testicle is
visible, but I can't
even feel the other one.
4. In the winter, his
Ass gets really hairy.
And never ask “can I pet
your Ass?”
5. She's on a new diet,
she's only eating grass.
6. He has trouble
mounting her because
she's so tall.
7. All of her babies
have been sold overseas.
8. She wants to breed to
my stud.
9. There's nothing like
17 hands between your
legs!
10. He had a bad
attitude, so we
castrated him.
11. He's got a lot of
stamina, you can ride
him all day long.
12. He's much better if
you ride him with a
crop.
13. I wanted to breed to
her stud, but he's all
booked this season.
14. If he's not good,
just grab his lip and
twist it.
15. They cut his toe
shorter and he walks
better now.
The Stable Rules
1. I am human. You are
horse. What I say goes.
Please take that into consideration
when you are standing on
my foot.
2. Spilled food is not
'fair game,' especially
when it is spilled in
another horses stable.
It still belongs to that
particular horse. You
have no reason to go in
and eat it.
3. Poop does not need to
be hidden. I clean your
stable every day. I will
find it. Do not hide it.
4. I do not need your
help when I clean the
yard, nor do I need your
supervision, or even
your presence. I have
been cleaning the yard
and stables ever since
you lived here. I know
what I am doing.
Standing at the door
staring at me, will not
make me clean faster.
5. There is no need to
go into the feed room
and help yourself to the
feed. Meals are given at
specific times of the
day. There is a feed
schedule. You know the
schedule. I know you
know the schedule. You
know that I know that
you know the schedule.
There is no need to help
yourself.
6. Water buckets are not
toys. Neither is the
gate, pitchfork, wheel
barrow, whatever is in
the wheel barrow, fence!
, or the occasional dog.
7. The wheel barrow is
there for a reason.
Please do not try to
move it while I am
cleaning your stable.
8. Just because I go
into the yard doesn't
mean you automatically
get food. There is other
stuff in the yard. Stuff
you don't want. Like
wormer and fly spray.
9. Water travels through
the hose. If you are
thirsty, do not stand on
the hose. The water
buckets will fill much
faster.
10. Not everything has
to be high drama. None
of the following things
will kill you: fly
spray, plastic bags,
balloons, hoses,
chipmunks and other
small rodents, or bright
blue tarps.
11. Although I
understand the need for
you to go to the
bathroom, it is not
necessary to hold it in
all day until the moment
I finish cleaning your
stable and put away the
wheel barrow.
12. Accidents happen.
However, I'm not
altogether sure you're
not trying to kill
yourself. Next time you
decide to impale
yourself on some sort of
object, please try to do
it when it's not
hailing, midnight, the
weekend, or Christmas.
13. While I appreciate!
your need to be clean,
pooping in your water
bucket does not make my
job easier, and it
deprives you of water.
Please find a new spot.
15. Whinnying as loudly
as you can in my face
does not make me feed
you any faster.
And thanks to David Rowe, we have
The Sheath Cleaning Song
Sing it to the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father" from camp song
How's it hangin'?
So much cleaner.
Aren't you glad I
washed your wiener?
I'll admit it's
kinda creepy
that I had to stick my hand up
in your pee-pee.
It was sticky.
It was gunky.
It felt icky.
It smelled funky.
It was cruddy,
it was crusty--
when you stuck it out, it
creaked like it was rusty.
After half an
hour of toilin'
and of squirtin'
baby oil in,
you're as fresh there
as a daisy.
Either this means I love you or else I'm crazy!!!
Lessons
From Your Horse:
1. When you're tense, let me teach you
that there are lions in the woods, and we
need to leave. NOW!!
2. When you're short tempered, let me
teach you how to slog around the pasture for
an hour before you catch me.
3. When you're short-sighted, let me teach
you to figure out where, exactly, in 40
acres I'm hiding.
4. When you're quick to react, let me
teach you that herbivores kick much faster
than omnivores.
5. When you're worried, let me entertain
you with my mystery lameness.
6. When you feel superior, let me teach
you that mostly, you're the maid service.
7. When you're self-absorbed, let me
teach you to pay attention!! (I told you
about those lions in the woods...)
8. When you're arrogant, let me teach you
what 1,200 pounds of yahoo-let's-go! speed
event horse can do when suitably inspired.
9. When you're lonely, let me be your
companion. Let's do lunch. Also breakfast,
dinner, and snacks.
10.When you're tired, don't forget the 600
pounds of grain that need to be unloaded.
11.When you're feeling financially secure,
let me teach you the meaning of "veterinary
services, additional."
Riding is for those people who see not a
horse but a spirit next to them.If you have
it, it is for life. It is a disease for
which there is no cure.You will go on riding
even after they have to haul you on a
comfortable wise old cob, with feet like
inverted buckets and a back like a fireside
chair... when I can't ride anymore, I shall
still keep horses as long as I can hobble
about with a bucket and a wheelbarrow. When
I can't hobble, I shall roll my wheelchair
out to the fence of the field where my
horses graze, and watch them.
- Monica Dickens