Horse Humor 3
The President and the
Queen...........
Air Force One arrives at
Heathrow Airport and President
Bush strides to a warm and
dignified handshake from the
Queen. They ride to the edge of
Central London, where they board
a magnificent 17th century
carriage hitched to six
magnificent white horses.
They ride towards
Buckingham Palace waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons;
all is going well. Suddenly the
right rear horse lets fly with
the most horrendous,
earth-shattering fart ever heard
in the British Empire, and the
smell was so excruciating, both
of them had to use handkerchiefs
over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach
but the two dignitaries of state
do their best to "ignore" the
incident. The Queen turns to
President Bush "Mr. President
please accept my regrets... I am
sure you understand there are
some things that even a Queen
cannot control."
George Bush, as always
trying to be presidential,
replies:
"Your Majesty, do not
give the matter another
thought... If you had not
mentioned it, I would have
thought it was one of the
horses."
If Horses Were in High School, What Cliques Would They Be In?
Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts...definitely jocks.
Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'.
Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack. They are the "new money" rich.
Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.
Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (Need I say more?)
Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitudes and any color of the rainbow .... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrelly geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be rip off WeathaBeetas??).
Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
Warmbloods:
Old Money Preppies, as
opposed to the TBs who
are new money preppies.
All their tack is
imported from Europe,
they drink Perrier water
and eat only organically
grown feed. They look
down on everyone and
talk amongst themselves
about summer in
Paris
and skiing in Gstad and
wasn't it dreadful how
provincial Spruce
Meadows has become?
Horse Quotes for Horse Lovers.....
All horses deserve, at least once in their lives, to be loved by a little girl.
How do you catch a loose horse? Make a noise like a carrot.
- British Cavalry joke
One man's wrong lead is another man's counter-canter.
- S.D. Price
In my opinion, a horse is the animal to have. 1100 pounds of raw muscle, power, grace, and sweat between your legs - it's something you just can't get from a pet hamster.
- Anonymous
A horse is like a best friend. They're always there to nuzzle you and make your life a better place.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
- Confucius
There are only two emotions that belong in the saddle; one is a sense of humor and the other is patience.
- John Lyons
Only Horse People:
* Believe in the 11th Commandment: Inside leg to outside rein.
* Know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or
neon yellow.
* Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stables.
* Know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.
* Are banned from Laundromats.
* Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.
* Can magically lower their voices five octaves to bellow at a pawing
horse.
* Have a language all their own ("If he pops his shoulder, I have to
close that hand and keep pushing with my seat in case he sucks back".)
* Will end relationships over their hobby.
* Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.
* Insure their horses for more than their cars.
* Will give you 20 names and reasons for that bump on your horse.
* Know m! ore about their horse's nutrition than their own.
* Have neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.
* Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.
* Have less wardrobe than their horse.
* Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.
* Know that mucking stalls is better then Zoloft any day.